Friday, 27 February 2009

so im going to write about everything
when my ed started, my life before and shit
I was born in 1992 in a smal town called St. Andrews, I had a mum and dad who loved me, and my little sister who looked up to me.
When I was in prep and grade one, I was, you could say one of the 'popular' kids. everyone wanted to be friends with me, and i loved it. I was always so sociable.
Then, when I was 5 my parents sat me and my sister down in our garden that we had built. And told us that they were getting a divorce, I didnt even know what it was, but I knew it was bad.
After then, dad moved out.
I stayed at my old house, which Our family had built, so it meant a great deal to me. Then, when I was 6 We all went and sat in the garden again, and my parents told me that they were selling the house.
My house, the house with all of my memories, that I helped build, that I grew up in.
I had no choice.
Mum, my sister and I moved to a town about 15 minutes away called Wattle Glen, It was nice enough.
I changed schools at the start of grade 2. My sister just started prep. At my new school, I had no-one. Another girl was starting at that school that day as well.
She was so thin, and had twins for sister.
I remember saying to my mum, "Everybody hates me, shes so thin, why can't I be like that? Why do I have fat on my legs?" She replyed with "No, Emma they're paying more attention to her at the moment becase she has twins for sisters."
I've never forgotten that.
In about grade 4-5 Mum started taking me to the school councellor because my dad was telling me I had to go live with him, and that everytime after I'd see him he would cry for 2 hours because I hardly saw him, even though we never would randomly see us. My sister left councelling after 2-3 sessions, while-as I was asked to stay in.
In the end, I did make friends at that school, but they constantly bullied me. I never really thought about it until a few months ago. I would have to like, try-out to hang out with them at lunch, they would usually say no. So I sat by myself on a playground.
When I left primary school, I went to a school about 15 minutes drive away.
I loved it, it was a bigger school and I got to join the school band ( I played flute for 6 years) I felt as if I fit in, after about a year I started to feel excluded again, so I got new friends, hey were amazing to me, but they started me smoking, drinking and kind-of into drugs.
I still loved them.
During that time, my friends and I descovered that if we didn't eat for a period of time we could pass out, and lose weight, so we did. I remember looking at the bruises on my friends hips from where she passed out at school.
I wanted to be like her.
Once again, after a year it al changed and i sort-of changed back into my old group. It was fine, I didnt really enjoy it, but it was fun enough.
At the end of year 9 I really started to feel conciouse about my body, mostly my stomach and thighs. So I stopped eating, again. I lost about 20 kg in 2-3-4 weeks.
It was during the summer of '08. I got back to school and everybody said how good i looked, and how much weight I had lost, I loved it.
So I tried to stay that way. It didn't work.
I started to gain, then I'd lose again, it was a constant cycle.
Throughout that year, I was bounced between Doctors, Psychologists, Councellors, Psychiatrists. And I was diagnosed with Anxiety issues, possible depression, and I'm not sure what else, they didnt actually tell me. They told my mum.
Then, in august I went on student exchange to England.
I met the most amazing people. And I started purging. It felt great.
I was losing weight again, but I could eat as well.
Then I started to gain, but I didnt care.
It was only when the boy I was in love with decieded that my best friend (Who was about 39652875486253 times skinnier than me) was better looking and had sex with her. I found out, and I told my other best friend that the only reason he did was because I was fat.
And it started again.
I got back to the uk at the start of '09, and its been a constant cycle of partys, random sex, not eating, binging, purging, smoking and drugs.
Then the guy I liked asked me out.
We had sex, and I actually felt good about it.
After about 3 weeks he got really clingy, and was having dreams about me being with other guys. He would wake up with holes in the wall. I couldnt handle it, and I broke up with him. I didnt know what else to do. After that he told me that he had bought me a car, he tried to win me back with it. But I couldnt deal.
At one of the partys I went to, I ended up telling my best friend about my ED, so now he keeps asking if I'm alright.
And my other best friend is getting sus. She doesnt see me eat, so she told my whole group I was ana, I almost cried. And I stopped hanging out there.
Now, I hang out with druggies in the year above, which I don't mind, I love. They're amazing.
But I just miss how I was, When I was liked.
When I was thin...

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

im back

i got better.
i finished the exchange, and got better.
it was amazing.
and now.
i run for an hour every night.
i hardly eat.
and i hate myself.
i miss the old me.
i just tried to have a d+m with my best friend
it didnt work, she just said i didnt need to change from my old self, into the person i was in england, even though thats who i wanted to be.
and who i liked more.
she doesnt understand, and she yells at me for smoking.
i seriously dont care.
i just want to yell at her, but she won't get it.
i hate this.
im hating my life, again.
which shits me more than anything.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

so i havent been online in way too long.
ive lost weight.
which is amazing:)
but like.
have had a great time.

the boy i fancy likes me back.
+ we're pretty much together.
we made out and stuff.
and yeah, he's like, the sweetest person ever<33
but i was in town today.
+ i ran into 'bob' - see earlier post-.
+ that was weird..
i went up to him and hugged him.
but it was like, kthnxbye...
but yeah.
i had a full on fat day today.
+ i dont careD:<
i want to go downstairs for more food s'well...
i think i willl...

but tomorrow ima be good.
hopeuflly ill see theboy i fancy.
if he ever texts backD:<
+ he has no net atm..
so its like.

but today at like, 7 i went tesco with a couple of mates, which was really good.
i went callums first, coz he wanted money + to get changed.
but he came downstairs.
as i was stuck talking to his mum:
and was like, mum!
do my button up, my hands er that coldD:
was cute as.
i was like, aww now your all embaressed.
+ when we got to tesco, we told james + he was like.
you wanted your mum to touch your penis, instead of emma...
your weird..
t'was funny as.
but yusss.
everything si great atm:)

cept i think my 'sister' hates me...
i was like hi *******!
+ shes like, hi.
its weird..
blergh iono.

im tireddd.
+ ima get food.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

i havent been on here ina while.
ive been out.
i think im losing weight.
i had a couple bad days.
but lately ill have 2 things to eat all day.
which is like, amazing.
but ill get better.
tomorrow i dont think ill eat all day.
like, im seeing the boy i fancy.
miiight have sex + i don't want to be bloated or flabby.
so yeah

but ergh.
im so confused.
the guy i like, lets call him bob, i went out sorta with him on thursday and we ended up making out and her fingered me.
but lik,e the guy i used to like, and still kinda do, now fancys me.
+ ima seeing him on monday.
but like, he wrote me a bit of a song..
and that like, makes me fall in lvoe with peopleD:
so im pretty much fucked(:
kkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee

Thursday, 2 October 2008

i ate heaps today.
but iono.
i actually had a rly good day...
i havent had a good day in so long.
its weird.
fuckfuckfuck oh well.
i feel sick now though(n)
ill go throw up(y)

i got stretchers!
nah there 5ml, and amazing!
im psyched, i want to go do my other ear, but it hurts so im like :Z
maybe not tonight...

Tuesday, 30 September 2008


my stomach looks good today.
i like this.
this ishow im going to stay.
just lose a few more kgkgkgkgkgkg + illa be happy.

today wil be good.


well i just ran for 10 minutes flat out.
+ did 100 sit ups.
ill run more tonight+ do more situps.
+ when i go have a shower, ill throw up.
i hae showers, i have to see my body.
its discusting.

i totally binged today.
i had a packet of crisps+a sandwich.
ergh, i make myself sick.