Friday, 27 February 2009

so im going to write about everything
when my ed started, my life before and shit
I was born in 1992 in a smal town called St. Andrews, I had a mum and dad who loved me, and my little sister who looked up to me.
When I was in prep and grade one, I was, you could say one of the 'popular' kids. everyone wanted to be friends with me, and i loved it. I was always so sociable.
Then, when I was 5 my parents sat me and my sister down in our garden that we had built. And told us that they were getting a divorce, I didnt even know what it was, but I knew it was bad.
After then, dad moved out.
I stayed at my old house, which Our family had built, so it meant a great deal to me. Then, when I was 6 We all went and sat in the garden again, and my parents told me that they were selling the house.
My house, the house with all of my memories, that I helped build, that I grew up in.
I had no choice.
Mum, my sister and I moved to a town about 15 minutes away called Wattle Glen, It was nice enough.
I changed schools at the start of grade 2. My sister just started prep. At my new school, I had no-one. Another girl was starting at that school that day as well.
She was so thin, and had twins for sister.
I remember saying to my mum, "Everybody hates me, shes so thin, why can't I be like that? Why do I have fat on my legs?" She replyed with "No, Emma they're paying more attention to her at the moment becase she has twins for sisters."
I've never forgotten that.
In about grade 4-5 Mum started taking me to the school councellor because my dad was telling me I had to go live with him, and that everytime after I'd see him he would cry for 2 hours because I hardly saw him, even though we never would randomly see us. My sister left councelling after 2-3 sessions, while-as I was asked to stay in.
In the end, I did make friends at that school, but they constantly bullied me. I never really thought about it until a few months ago. I would have to like, try-out to hang out with them at lunch, they would usually say no. So I sat by myself on a playground.
When I left primary school, I went to a school about 15 minutes drive away.
I loved it, it was a bigger school and I got to join the school band ( I played flute for 6 years) I felt as if I fit in, after about a year I started to feel excluded again, so I got new friends, hey were amazing to me, but they started me smoking, drinking and kind-of into drugs.
I still loved them.
During that time, my friends and I descovered that if we didn't eat for a period of time we could pass out, and lose weight, so we did. I remember looking at the bruises on my friends hips from where she passed out at school.
I wanted to be like her.
Once again, after a year it al changed and i sort-of changed back into my old group. It was fine, I didnt really enjoy it, but it was fun enough.
At the end of year 9 I really started to feel conciouse about my body, mostly my stomach and thighs. So I stopped eating, again. I lost about 20 kg in 2-3-4 weeks.
It was during the summer of '08. I got back to school and everybody said how good i looked, and how much weight I had lost, I loved it.
So I tried to stay that way. It didn't work.
I started to gain, then I'd lose again, it was a constant cycle.
Throughout that year, I was bounced between Doctors, Psychologists, Councellors, Psychiatrists. And I was diagnosed with Anxiety issues, possible depression, and I'm not sure what else, they didnt actually tell me. They told my mum.
Then, in august I went on student exchange to England.
I met the most amazing people. And I started purging. It felt great.
I was losing weight again, but I could eat as well.
Then I started to gain, but I didnt care.
It was only when the boy I was in love with decieded that my best friend (Who was about 39652875486253 times skinnier than me) was better looking and had sex with her. I found out, and I told my other best friend that the only reason he did was because I was fat.
And it started again.
I got back to the uk at the start of '09, and its been a constant cycle of partys, random sex, not eating, binging, purging, smoking and drugs.
Then the guy I liked asked me out.
We had sex, and I actually felt good about it.
After about 3 weeks he got really clingy, and was having dreams about me being with other guys. He would wake up with holes in the wall. I couldnt handle it, and I broke up with him. I didnt know what else to do. After that he told me that he had bought me a car, he tried to win me back with it. But I couldnt deal.
At one of the partys I went to, I ended up telling my best friend about my ED, so now he keeps asking if I'm alright.
And my other best friend is getting sus. She doesnt see me eat, so she told my whole group I was ana, I almost cried. And I stopped hanging out there.
Now, I hang out with druggies in the year above, which I don't mind, I love. They're amazing.
But I just miss how I was, When I was liked.
When I was thin...

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

im back

i got better.
i finished the exchange, and got better.
it was amazing.
and now.
i run for an hour every night.
i hardly eat.
and i hate myself.
i miss the old me.
i just tried to have a d+m with my best friend
it didnt work, she just said i didnt need to change from my old self, into the person i was in england, even though thats who i wanted to be.
and who i liked more.
she doesnt understand, and she yells at me for smoking.
i seriously dont care.
i just want to yell at her, but she won't get it.
i hate this.
im hating my life, again.
which shits me more than anything.